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Thursday, July 14, 2005

A Christian Conservative Speaks!

Out of politeness and in a complete moment of weakness (perhaps even with a fair amount of drunkenness), MoxieGrrrl asked Michael Gregory Steele of Conservatives for American Values if he would be interested in contributing to BIO.  He seemed like such a nice boy!

As a conservative I was surprised to be asked to write a guest post on this nefariously liberal blog. I was asked to share my words in part so that I could help to bridge the ideological gap that divides so many of us in this country. An olive branch was extended to me and I have accepted it. I’ve been given a great opportunity and it will not be wasted. I will use this olive branch given to me in good faith to verbally flog all of you godless liberals with the full fury of the Lord.

I’m not here to listen to or accept your views. No, my ideas and values are set in stone. And I’m also not here to tell you that you’re entitled to your own warped political views. You’re not. I won’t try and elevate the debate or encourage civil discourse. No, I’m here to convert all of you and you don’t do that by respecting anyone else’s ideas. What I want is to turn all of you into shining and pure examples of Christian Conservative Americans.

First, I’m going to let all of you in on a secret: it feels really good to win elections. Being a part of a political party that controls all the levers of government is a truly awesome feeling too. Don’t you sometimes wonder what it would be like to be on a winning team? Surely you do. Join the Republican Party and wonder no longer.

It’s also quite nice not to have to worry about being smitten by God’s vengeful hand. It’s quite a feeling of security knowing that your political ideals don’t anger the Almighty. And you have to admit, a world without gays, feminists or non-Christians wouldn’t be all that terrible. Don’t throw away your vote along with your immortal soul; become a Conservative and swim in the cool waters of righteousness.

Surly you must be tired of just being a part of one of the many liberal interest groups vying for the Democratic Party’s attention. Wouldn’t it be nice to avoid all the ideological in-fighting? The Republican Party is one great big unified interest group. We are of one mind and one voice. This interest is a return to true American values.

Finally, if these appeals to your morality didn’t work, perhaps a simple appeal to your wallet will do the trick. Don’t you want to keep more of your own money just like Jesus intended? Don’t you want to enjoy the spoils of success instead of subsidizing the poor, the sick, and every other lazy sad luck case in this country? You shouldn’t have to feel guilty about every dollar you make. Stop being a moron, claim what’s yours. Become a Republican and all this guilt will be erased.

Just because I was an invited guest here, that doesn't mean I had to be polite while speaking my piece.  When I'm invited to dinner at someone's house I never have a problem telling them if the meal set before me is a culinary disaster.  So in keeping with this analogy, let me finish by saying that the food being served here is disgusting and completely inedible.  Also, it's being served to me by complete idiots.  You don't want to be an idiot, do you?  Join the Republican Party.

Posted by MoxieGrrrl at 09:02 PM in Politics | Permalink


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Posted by: MoxieGrrrl | Jul 15, 2005 12:07:43 AM

Perhaps next time a sane Republican can be invited to share his views.

Posted by: Scott C. Smith | Jul 15, 2005 12:49:04 AM

OH MY GOD!!!! Or should I say OH MY YOUR GOD!!! Who the hell let the "James Dobson wanna be" loose on this blog. Change the locks and roll up the welcome matt or should I say put Matt, the welcome guy, back in the closet! Gays are not safe here today!

Posted by: The Bastard | Jul 15, 2005 12:54:18 AM

Michael, what is your goal for conversion? 10-30 converts from this post?

Oh you have the best hair I have seen in a long long time!

Scott, do they exist?

MoxieGrrrl, we have to talk!!!!

Posted by: sally | Jul 15, 2005 12:54:51 AM

That was awesome!!! The best post on this blog ever!!!

That ruled!!! I couldn't have said it better myself!!!

WOW!!!! :)

Posted by: steve | Jul 15, 2005 1:06:09 AM

Hahahaha, and I was hoping just maybe there might be some Republicans who aren't all that disturbed. This post sure ended all hope.

Posted by: icoman | Jul 15, 2005 1:26:47 AM

Hey steve, just how AWESOME was it.....care to expand on exactly what was AWESOME?

Posted by: The Bastard | Jul 15, 2005 1:29:01 AM

The bastard, Let's just say, you shouldn't be surprised if the traffic to this blog dips significantly when the mass exodus to my blog occurs. People crave the righteousness I provide.

Posted by: Michael Gregory Steele | Jul 15, 2005 1:51:42 AM

OK, so we invited you to dinner and you told us how shitty the food was (and the table setting, and the other guests). Now I'll have to go to your church (since you invited me) and diss the wine and the communion wafer and all the other parishioners. Undoubtedly they'll all have that ramrod-straight broomstick-up-the-ass walk that Christians are noted for.

Posted by: Tom Harper | Jul 15, 2005 3:10:40 AM

jesus h. christ you freak. your probably blowing up abortion clinics when your not writing a bunch of blither.

Posted by: royal | Jul 15, 2005 5:53:22 AM

Mr. Steele, that did it - I have seen the light. I am going to join you right now in your quest for righteousness and holier than them quest for goodness (and money!). Just please let me know where we go to get our lobotomies? I'm waiting!!

Posted by: The Cranky Liberal | Jul 15, 2005 6:20:57 AM

Thanks for confirming everything I thought I knew about the American Taliban.

Right or wrong, I have to compliment you on one thing: You're the first person I've ever seen who managed to combine the sentiments "We're doing Jesus' will" and "Fuck the poor" into a single sentence without even trying to be ironic.


Posted by: Joe Snitty | Jul 15, 2005 7:42:04 AM

Did you know that I took my dog for a walk, watch him do his business, picked it up, and then smeared it on the handle of a newpaper box? I didn't like the newpaper (tabloid style) but I feel guilty...
Should I?

Posted by: Snake | Jul 15, 2005 8:08:17 AM

Cranky, I'm with you - do we get a free toaster when he sign up? Ellen got one from Melissa Etheridge when she went gay... I think we should AT LEAST get a toaster.

Maybe they give better freebies, being all rich and shit. A free Beemer? A Hummer? Yep, sign me right up!

Posted by: MoxieGrrrl | Jul 15, 2005 9:15:20 AM

A toaster Moxie? Aim low why don't you, these guys are all trying to make more money than God we could atleast get an oil tanker named after us, Condi did!!!

Posted by: The Bastard | Jul 15, 2005 9:29:23 AM

Moxie, they would not give me a Beemer since that is from Germany, and you know they are nearly socialist there. Maybe a Cadilac. And I've been told I will have to give up hummers if I join. Good Christian men don't get those. It's a small price to pay for untold wealth and the glory of every lasting power err life.

Posted by: The Cranky Liberal | Jul 15, 2005 9:42:15 AM

Yeah Bastard I'd expand, but Mr. Steele I think summed it up already. I'd just be regurgitating other people's thoughts like you already do post after post on this site.

"You don't want to be an idiot do you?"

RINSE, LATHER, REPEAT that Bastard!!!

Posted by: steve | Jul 15, 2005 10:20:42 AM

Call me an idiot (and many of your ilk do) but if I join the Repubs I'd find happiness in a winner? Did that with Clinton; loved it

But as the Bring it on! token New York Jew, "a wold without non Christian's." not to mention feminists or gays wouldn't be that horrible?

You frigging prick, you deserve to rot in hell. And Steve, you are sicker than I thought possible if you could possibly agree with that.

Fucking retarded sick.

Posted by: pia | Jul 15, 2005 10:31:28 AM


You are just mad that I kept you on subject. Didn't let you deviate from the post. And again,
I'm not going to let you deviate,

Hey steve, just how AWESOME was it.....care to expand on exactly what was AWESOME?

Answer the question please!

Posted by: The Bastard | Jul 15, 2005 11:03:43 AM

Moral certainty is always a sign of cultural inferiority. The more uncivilized the man, the surer he is that he knows precisely what is right and what is wrong. All human progress, even in morals, has been the work of men who have doubted the current moral values, not of men who have whooped them up and tried to enforce them. The truly civilized man is always skeptical and tolerant. - H.L. Mencken

You see why I hate the religious right? You see why there are so many people in this country that are downright frightened by the complete lack of compassion these folks show. Yep, that's just what Jesus said, "Fuck the poor". I also remember the story of how Jesus ripped himself off cross and smited all the Romans and went into all-out war against them. Let's not forget the the Golden Rule either.....He who has the gold makes the rules. Yep, just what Jesus would have done. Let's not forget that Jesus was soooo rich that he traveled with his 12 man entourage everywhere in complete style and extravagance. Yeah, these are the kind of values Jesus was all about. The last shall be last and the first shall be first....wicked are the poor.....be like the Pharisees and pray in public so that others may see your piety....kill the prostitutes because they are sinful....man that Jesus sure was a prick!

Posted by: LiberPaul | Jul 15, 2005 11:20:37 AM

When I have more time, I will...

Posted by: steve | Jul 15, 2005 11:54:41 AM

It's good to see I've converted the Cranky Liberal. We could always use a "Cranky Conservative" on our side. As for the rest of you, who say I'm a prick, or a member of the American Taliban: How dare you! I'd tell you that I was praying for you, but I don't waste my precious prayers on lost causes.

Posted by: Michael Gregory Steele | Jul 15, 2005 11:58:30 AM

A little preachy even for my tastes, but I do agree its the best stuff ever posted here.

Posted by: Jay | Jul 15, 2005 12:23:06 PM


Everyone of us has some good and some bad in us. This is human nature. When you begin to make such absolute rules of Christian morality on non-Christians and the like don't you run the risk of damaging some of your own members? What about the Log Cabin Republicans? What about the Godless fiscal conservatives? Don't you think that you will tear your house asunder with your absolutes?

Posted by: Dr. Forbush | Jul 15, 2005 12:36:39 PM

Uh I don't remember Jesus ever saying:

"Don’t you want to enjoy the spoils of success instead of subsidizing the poor, the sick, and every other lazy sad luck case in this country?"

In fact I'm fairly certain he said just the opposite (yes in his day and society Jesus was really a liberal).

I also reccomend reading, "Anthem," by Ann Rand if you want some insight into the dangers of non-diverse and conforming societies. Really liberalism and personal liberty have been the winning team since the beginings of civilization and what you describe is actually sort of Anti-American from the Declaration of Independence forward, it does not meet the measure of the values that our for fathers sought to ensure for future generations.

Its OK even after a dark age the enlightenment always wins the day, history is littered with the tales. Whats happening now is just another speed bump in Western civilization.

Posted by: Billion Year Old Carbon | Jul 15, 2005 1:10:22 PM

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