2005 End of the Year News Quiz

There’s nothing like wrapping up a year with a news quiz! (Did I just say that?)

1) On March 31, Terry Schiavo died after her feeding tubes were removed, ending her 15 year vegetative state. The story caused a major news sensation around the country as politicians and advocacy groups rallied around their positions from Right-to-Life to Right-to-Die. Though some were convinced that Terry could recover, the autopsy showed she would never. Why is Bill Frist such an asshole?

2) On October 15, the Iraqi people went to the polls to vote for the ratification of a new constitution. The constitution was neither to everyone’s total satisfaction nor consternation, though it did manage to pass. How long will it be for Ahmad Chalabi to embezzle billions from their national coffers?

3) With the start of the 2005 season, Major League Baseball implemented it’s new drug testing policy after the embarrassment of the BALCO steroid scandal. The new rules involved a 5-chance penalty system that ranged from a ten day suspension to whatever Selig so chooses. This was not enough to satiate the fans or the US Congress who, on November 15, imposed far more stringent standards and penalties. What is the circumference of Rafael Palmiero’s left testicle?

4) On April 2, Pope John Paul II died, concluding a quarter century at the top of the Catholic Church. He was universally liked and popular, by Catholics, Christians of all sects, and even by Godless kooks like me. The only blemish on his tenure was the Priest-sex-abuse scandals - concentrated mostly in the United States. The Vatican did little to remedy the situation and the Church (especially in America) has suffered for this ambivalence. Clerical Celibacy and Catholic guilt over homosexuality seem to be the culprits in the matter. What’s the most honest advice a priest can give a marrying couple?

5) On August 29, Hurricane Katrina made landfall in New Orleans. The city was devastated, 1300 lives were lost and, though it was little surprise that Louisiana state and local officials were inept, it was a shock to see that after 9/11 the Bush Homeland security agency and FEMA were utterly unprepared and stuffed with nepotistic, crony appointments. The people of New Orleans, mostly black and poor, have been scattered throughout the nation, most never will return. Connected developers are now swooping in to turn the ruined city into yet another playground for the wealthy. What are the odds of the new, wealthy, adult-playground New Orleans ever flooding again?

6) On December 20, U.S. District Judge John E. Jones ruled that Intelligent Design can not constitutionally be taught in the science classroom, bringing to yet another temporary end the efforts of the Christian Fundamentalists to bring religion bring into the classroom. Where did God place the “Made in Heaven” sticker on all creation?

7) On September 3, Chief Justice William Rehnquist succumb to cancer and died. He was replaced as Chief by SCOTUS rookie John Roberts, a Rehnquist protégé. With the retirement of Justice O’Connor now on the table, the appointment of Samuel Alito, a corporatist, religious-right nut-job is now pending. Alito was a second choice, however, to Bush lawyer Harriet Miers, who withdrew her nomination once it was discovered that she knew even less about the Constitution than the President. Following that pattern, who would be the alternate nominee if Alito doesn’t make it?

8) On October 8, a massive earthquake rocked Kashmir. 80,000 lives perished and hundreds of thousands were displaced. The Bush administration missed a grand opportunity to shore up support in that part of the world. Instead of sending massive aid, and troops already in neighboring Afghanistan, Bush summoned his father and his father’s new best-bud, Bill Clinton, to raise money and supplies for the victims of the quake. Which Bush daughter do you think Clinton would rather do?

9) On July 4, a major scientific breakthrough was accomplished when the Deep Impact probe crashed into the comet Tempel 1. What was discovered on that comet?

10) On January 20, George W. Bush was sworn in for his second term as President of the United States. Again, controversy surrounded the election and questions were raised about the veracity of the results. Headlines around the world ridiculed the American people for once again proving that uneducated, anti-intellectual buffoons tend not to vote smartly. The margin of victory was small, though, and the other candidate wasn’t much to speak of, and the campaigns were exceedingly negative and dishonest. The worst offenders were the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, who neither served with Kerry nor cared at all for truth. They are still fighting the Vietnam War. Even though 3 million Vietnamese were killed, and the equivalent of all the explosives we dropped in WWII were dropped on them, 58,000 Americans died in action, and some 8 years of intense fighting were expended, we still couldn’t win that war. Why?

Answer Key:

1) His underwear is too tight.
2) I give it a year and a half.
3) Three Feet.
4) “I don’t have a friggin’ clue what to tell you.”
5) 1/1,000,000,000,000,000.
6) Pat Robertson’s ass.
7) Elbert McWinkington, George Bush’s personal facial expression trainer.
8) Jenna.
9) The Heaven’s Gate cult.
10) The “liberal media.”

*Yes, this list covers all sorts of years, but what? Do you think years happen in a vacuum?